Stupid lawsuits, war in Kosovo, pierced body parts…so much to be outraged about. But, frankly, we’re a little tired of Outrage; getting so we’re afraid to read our e-mail or glance at a newspaper. What we really need is a good day…a nice peaceful day…the perfect day:

7:00 AM – Woken up by the wafting melody of Sade Adu singing “Paradise”. Look out the window to realize that, somehow, I’ve woken up in Buzios, the seaside resort near Rio. Sade asks how I’m feeling this morning. Just fine, thank-you.

7:15 – (Editor’s Note – this section deleted; this is a family ezine.)

8:00 – Read morning papers (on-line, of course).

Washington Post Headlines:

  • Cruise Ship Carrying 1,500 Trial Attorneys Believed Lost At Sea
  • Clinton Resigns – Says He’s Tired of Hypocrisy
  • Jackson To Seek Quiet Life – Avoid Publicity.

Wall Street Journal:

  • Athens New Media, producer of The Outrage, to issue IPO today after fending off desperate acquisition bids from Time-Warner and Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.
  • Fidel Castro diagnosed as having world’s most painful form of cancer; to die slow, agonizing death.
  • In a remarkable turn of events, J. Peterman to take back control of his company.

8:30 – Attend National Association of Psychologists Convention. NAP president announces that, from this point forward, psychologists will explain human action in terms of individuals making conscious choices, and will emphasize individual responsibility. Teenagers who blow away their high-school
classmates will be classified as “evil” rather than “disturbed.”

9:30 – Take some calls:

  • Bill Gates calls. Wants to know if he can fly over to help me configure my new version of Windows 98. I tell him Bill Allen is already here doing same.
  • Warren Buffet calls. Would like to give up Berkshire Hathaway so he can focus all his energies on managing my personal portfolio. Tell him I have Soros on the other line making the same request.

10:00 – Watch CNNfn story on sudden reversals in media world. For reasons yet to be explained, Oprah’s viewership has fallen from 3.2 billion to 8 individuals, all believed to be on her production staff.

10:30 – Take Concorde to Paris for lunch. The new attitude of Parisians toward Americans is apparent as the waiters apologize for their broken English and compliment us on our high-school French. As we leave the restaurant two attractive young women tell us how grateful they are that America saved their county from Nazism during World War Two. We accept their thanks on behalf of our grandfathers.

Check out International Herald-Tribune’s list of current best sellers:

  1. “The Greatest Generation”, by Tom Brokaw
  2. “Pride And Prejudice”, by Jane Austen


  • “Bleak House”, by Charles Dickens
  • “Atlas Shrugged”, by Ayn Rand
  • “Shogun”, by James Clavell
  • “The State of Humanity”, by Julian Simon
  • “North and South”, by Elizabeth Gaskell
  • “A History of the American People”, by Paul Johnson
  • “Brave New World”, by Aldous Huxley
  • “Animal Farm”, by George Orwell

    The Tribune also carried an article expressing befuddlement over the fact that several of the books on the list were not published in this century, and that only 3 of the books were published in the current decade.

    The President of the American Booksellers Association tried to explain the situation by saying “The thirst of the American public for the classics in particular, and intelligent entertainment in general, seems to be unquenchable, and gaining momentum.” On a related topic, he noted that no exercise, diet, celebrity, or books about sex had recently cracked the top 100 list.

    2:00 – As we flew from Paris to London we caught a few of the afternoon’s headlines:

    • No survivor’s from sunken cruise ship – all 1,500 trial lawyers eaten by sharks.
    • Athens New Media’s IPO surpasses all expectations. Investors in eBay express envy as ANM shares close at record high.

    3:00 – In London, we attend a Sotheby’s art auction. Dealers express shock that the latest “masterworks” by modern “artists” attract no bids. Some disgruntled brokers blame a recent “New York Times” article which said “It’s time we all realized that modern art is a bad joke, and has less aesthetic value than the crayon scribbling of the average 7 year old.”

    4:00 – Tea at the Ritz. We run into Prince Charles, who insists on ennobling us with the title “Duke of Outrage.” Charles takes us on a quick helicopter tour of our new, and vast, estates. We refuse his offer of the Crown jewels.

    5:00 – Check prices after stock market close. In general, bad day for the market; decliners beat advancers by 10:1 ratio. However, all of our stocks hit new highs. Market capitalization of Athens New Media now equals that of Microsoft.

    5:30 – Back to Washington where a crowd is gathering to listen to senators and congressmen announce their mass bi-partisan resignation. “We just decided that, more often than not, Americans are better off deciding how to spend their own money. Benevolent coercion and social engineering are just bad ideas.” Medics keep busy attending to fainting spells in crowd.

    6:00 – While having cocktails at the Four Seasons we receive letter from USC cheerleading squad begging for group internship at The Outrage.

    While evaluating cheerleader plea we receive phone call from Pulitzer Prize Committee, asking if we would accept. Only on the condition that we don’t have to attend the ceremony, and that the prize money is paid in gold, we explain.

    We’re finishing our champagne when we hear an obese government contractor on a near-by couch belch, and then loudly comment that “laissez-faire capitalism is a tool of class exploitation.” God instantly appears to explain to the amazed fool how wrong he is, and gives said fool a copy of Henry Hazlitt’s “Economics In One Lesson”.

    7:00 – We drive our perfectly restored Bugatti to the Inn At Little Washington for dinner. Barbara Striesand makes an impromptu appearance to provide background music. My dining companion is a 21 year-old Brazilian model, currently finishing her Ph.D in philosophy at Oxford. She insists on picking up the check, but only on one condition…

    8:30 – (More ridiculous editorial censorship. Remember, the Inn is an inn.)

    10:00 – Mom calls to tell us that, for the first time ever, she’s balanced her checkbook herself. We open more champagne.

    11:00 – Catch the late news:

    • Dan Rather announces that, as far as can be determined, there was no crime today.
    • Mass adoption efforts appear to ensure that every child on earth has enough to eat, and a safe, loving home.
    • New ABC News/Reuters poll indicates that most admired person in America is a tie among the 50 million men and women who work hard in less than glamorous jobs, raise good kids, and never forget Mom on Mother’s Day. No show business types make the top 10.
    • Poll of academics indicates interest in moral relativism is fading fast. A Harvard political science professor is quoted as saying “Well, you know, when you get right down to it, right is right, and wrong is wrong. I’m really surprised that it took all my learned colleagues this long to figure it out.”

    12:00 – Fade off to sleep as Veronique and Tyra take turns giving us relaxing back rub.


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0 thoughts on “THE PERFECT DAY!

  1. You forgot to mention that there was no junk e-mail in your e-mail box.. no Spam, no one asking if you want to make $50,000 in 20 minutes, or if you want to check out the “hot babes” on their site!

  2. Your perfect day was completely unbelievable.
    Everyone knows sharks would never eat lawyers.
    After all there is such a thing as professional courtesy.

  3. It’s no surprise that the perfect day was laced with mysogonistic comments. My perfect day will be when women and men achieve real equality, not this psuedo-“but women can do anything they want to, dearie”-equality. When father’s share in parenting responsibility & custody awards–when women are viewed as valuable intelligent beings instead of pieces of meat–when a woman in a “man’s” job and a man in a “woman’s” job receive fair and equal pay, etc. Your use of supermodels, cheerleaders, and censoring scenes filled with innuendo show your true opinion of women.

  4. YES YES!!!! Finally someone with the boldness to declare that socialism is for the birds and that God is an individualist. God didnt create everyone with the same gifts–see how many white basketball players are in the NBA.—So why would God be a socialist? God rewards those who do good/perserve. God is a capitalist.
    Screw the Sociocrats.
    D.A.R.E. to think for your country
    Long life the Reagan Revolution.

  5. Your outrage was inaccurate …don’t you know sharks would NEVER eat an attorney … professional courtesy, don’t you know.

  6. a perfect day would be when the “semester at sea” people
    would have the wisdom enough to get 500 American
    students out of China as soon as it became dangerous to
    be there rather than wait until 5/10 to sail.

  7. Re:Your Perfect Day — Environmental disaster feared
    as thousands of sharks die after eating lawyers,

  8. My idea of the perfect day would be an absence of conflict
    of any kind. One free of pain and any news of any suffering
    anywhere in the world. A day filled with love,serenity and carng
    for each other.

  9. My idea of a perfect day would be a day free of TV Ads on
    how to stop smoking. No one blamed all the deaths from
    illness, on tobacco products. Everyone that has sued the
    tobacco companies because they smoke, takes respon-
    sibility for their own actions, and admits no one held a gun
    to their head to make them start smoking. All smokers
    admit they knew tobacco was addictive when they started.
    And I can smoke where ever the hell I want to, without one
    person telling me it’s not allowed, and that I should stop
    smoking. The topper of my perfect day! They government
    stops wasting all their time and money on putting the
    tobacco companies out of business, and concentrates on
    getting the homeless people off the streets, and getting
    rid of the massive crime and drug problems in our country.
    That is my idea of a prefect day.

  10. The most (im)perfect day. Alarm goes off 6:15 am…have migrain headache from continuious menstral cycle for 3 weeks. Pour myself out of bed head for shower…hot water only lukewarm. Leave for work at 7:30 am, check mail on way out. Letter on top of pile is from county sheriff’s department…been summoned for jury duty. Go on to work and janitor hasn’t cleaned, have to hurry up and do cleaning before anyone else arrives. Nine a.m. finally huff and puff way to desk, glance at mail and little yellow slip of paper with corner sticking out catches my eye. Certified letter at post office. Call post office. Letter from Internal Revenue Service. Must leave work to fetch letter. Eleven oclock, three boxes of warehouse goods arrive and must be sorted immediately, no one to help..do job alone. No time for lunch. One oclock… oldest son calls. Truck broken down, can’t locate bosses wife to come rescue, can I come or locate bosses wife. Two oclock…second son’s wife calls. They are arguing and what can she do about it? “Get off puter and go home” says I. Three oclock, migrain worsens. Four oclock, quitting time, go to pharmacy get medication for migrain and bleeding hemorroids. Five oclock get on puter and read the Outrage. Life is good!

  11. NRA announces that they will hunt Lawyers instead of animals. The entire Cuban baseball team defects to America when they find out that they all can earn more than a million dollars a year.
    Fidel Castro beaten to death in the streets of Havanna, he later dies in a gutter. Bill Clinton resigns, stating that all his promises were lies. Gore has no idea what to do, so he resigns also.
    The office of president is now held by Biff the disgrunteled postal worker, his first order of business is to nuke Iraq. He then cuts all foriegn aid telling other countries that they are all on their own.
    Oil companies announce that they were pulling our legs this whole time, gas prices drop to 53 cents per gallon. Biff later decrees that all prisoners on death row are to be executed in a week.

  12. Well I think my idea of a perfect day would be when I woke up and heard on the news that a new law had been passed making it mandatory for everyone in the United States,at the age of 14+ to attend weapons training and on completion of said training fine anyone that does not have a firearm within 20ft. or less at all times.( I’m talking stiff fines and spot checks everywhere.) Soon all the hotheads would kill each other off and all the looneys, (or evil) people would be afraid to start anything.
    Here Here on the adoption idea,cutting off foreign aid, oil prices and the lawyers getting out to sea!

  13. I look into the sky and see Jesus beckoning me to come to Him. I am lifted into the sky and am enveloped by the gloy of God. I am so enthralled by being with Him, that I completely forget about all the problems of those left back on the Earth.

  14. I get up in the morning and work my normal work day (which is in my home looking over my yard). I go rock climbing at the local outdoor area, owned by a company which is carefuly excavating six mile long section of untapped cliff. Being a good customer, I get a free reservation for first ascents on my choice of a three hundred yard stretch of new cliff. I come home and work on my novel, and post a few new chapters to the Internet. I go to sleep.

    In all this time I have not had one contact, direct or indirect, with the government. I have not broken laws I never heard of. The news contains no politics. I don’t have to spend any time defending myself against polticians eager to take my money on behalf of my neighbors. The products I buy have not been taxed, regulated, forced to be labeled in a particular way, nor have they been weighed, inspected, x-rayed or shake tested by the USDA. The airplanes which fly over my house from time to time are not using the antiquated FAA radar system, which is being shipped to the Smithsonian – they are watching their own in-vehicle radar and are sorting themselves out quite nicely, thank you.

    There are no speed limit signs and everyone is driving the same speed they normally do. The special commuter lanes are being torn up so my crowded three lane highway will soon be a spacious five laner. The traffic-obstructing city buses are being carted off by tow trucks.

    I pass Al Gore and Karl Marx panhandling by the side of the road. I ignore them and enjoy it. They get in an argument over the proletariats relationship to the environment and fall down fighting beside the curb.

    I am very relaxed, and as I am falling asleep on my couch, I hear the news discussing the new anti-cancer / immortality drug, right after the one about the first successful test of an interstellar drive.

    It has been a very good day.

  15. I would love to wake up tomorrow and find out that I have orders from my Commanding Officer for me to join a Task Force of Ground Troops going into Yugoslavia. Then I am to coordinate another Force (Small Unit) that is to carry on into Iraq in a covert operation and “take care” of Sadam. The tour is to continue into Cuba………………………..
    Throughout the day, while I was on the Naval ship that was escorting us, we practiced target shooting on what seemed to be “lawyers” floating in the middle of the ocean. Sharks were helping them stay afloat. My troops thanked me for the Motivating Training session.

    America’s 911 comes through again.

  16. “2:00 – As we flew from Paris to London we caught a few of the
    afternoon’s headlines:
    “- No survivor’s from sunken cruise ship – all 1,500 trial lawyers
    eaten by sharks.”

    So much for professional courtesy.

    The sharks must have been liberals. (You knew the lawyers were, right?)

    Thanks for the outrage.

  17. The first and last thing I see as I wake up in the morning and fall asleep at night would be the woman I love.

  18. Midnight – The woman I love and miss desperately calls me on her cell phone, telling me she’s dumped her wealthy lawyer boyfriend and is on her way over to my place with a chilled bottle of Dom Perignon.

    12:01am – Yankees beat Dodgers 15-0 in Game 7 of the World Series at Yankee Stadium, coming back from being down three games to none. Newly un-retired Don Mattingly is the series MVP. 105-million-dollar whiner Kevin Brown takes all four losses for LA. Rupert Murdoch, completely confused by baseball, gives the team back to the O’Malley family, who acknowledge that Southern California is “irredeemably lame and shallow” and announce they’re moving back to Brooklyn, but not before trading all their overpriced players to Cuba.

    12:02-sunrise – A joyful reunion with my lady love, followed by champagne and certain activites a gentleman doesn’t relate in public…then off to a blissful sleep.

    8:00am, 9:30am, 11:00am, 12:30pm – We awaken briefly to gaze into each other’s eyes and exchange, uh, pleasantries. Then, bagels and Nova Scotia lox for breakfast.

    1:00pm – I check the mail, and not only have my magazine subscriptions arrived on time and undamaged, but Ed McMahon’s also there with my $10 million check.

    1:05 – A drive in the country in my candy-apple-red ’57 T-Bird convertible, my love by my side. The radio plays nothing but the Beatles, Aretha Franklin, Frank Sinatra, Sam Cooke, Ella Fitzgerald, Marvin Gaye, and Otis Redding, along with “Monkey Man” by the Rolling Stones. We pass several state troopers who have arrested dozens of teenagers and rednecks who’d been blaring ear-splitting rap/metal/country music from their cars. They will be sentenced to 20 years’ listening to Celine Dion at ear-splitting volume. Even though this is New York, all the troopers are from Alabama and look exactly like Louis Gossett Jr.

    1:30 – we arrive at our cabin in the mountains. Bob Vila is waiting on the porch, and I grudgingly agree to give him a whittling lesson before sending him out for beer.

    1:45 – I catch two prize salmon and whip up some quick sushi for a snack. The second fish goes to a passing grizzly bear.

    2:30-4:45 – A quick nap on the porch, preceded by and concluded with more frenzied you-know-what.

    5:00 – The afternoon news. Bill Clinton reveals he’s got syphilis. Al Gore reveals he’s got Dutch elm disease. The GOP leadership reveal they’ve got cancer of the hairpiece. All resign to undergo experimental treatments. Colin Powell becomes President.

    5:30 – Back in the T-Bird for a quick drive across the South Dakota prairie before dinner. Pause for a moment at the top of a hill in the middle of a herd of 100,000 buffalo.

    6:00 – Into Manhattan for pizza at John’s on Bleecker Street. Robert DeNiro stops by to wish us well, and picks up the check.

    7:00 – Sunset, atop the Chrysler Building.

    7:30 – Knicks-Lakers at the Garden. Spike Lee offers us his seats. Woody Allen spills a soda on Soon-Yi, and she hauls off and belts him in front of the NBC cameras. Nicholson also smacks Woody, just for fun. Knicks win 137-46. Shaquille O’Neal announces his retirement to concentrate on acting. Nicholson smacks Shaq, who retires from acting and goes into real estate.

    11:59 – back home again…and off to another blissful night with my beloved.

  19. The Democrat and Republican parties simultaniously disband, with all political power being abdicated to the Libertarian party.

    Oh, and about the sharks, there are some things even sharks won’t eat.

  20. My idea of a perfect day:

    12:00- Wake up late, turn on tv, and discover soap operas have been replaced by the discover channel and tv shows about how you can do your part to save the world and it’s inhabitants. Including our furry, scaly, etc. brothers and sisters that humans usually forget about.

    12:30- Email from the paperboy that my electronic addition of the newspaper is in. Head line reads: “God reverses cruel joke – all politicians, lawyers, dictators and sports persons removed from Earth, sent to worm hole in the vast beyond”

    12:45- God announces that It is niether male nor female, It transends and is all, and people (of all types, not just humans) rejoice.

    1:00- breakfast with children under no pressure to be anywhere. Actually talk to and enjoy family. Mom calls to say that the pollution count is down, along with cancer rates.

    2:00- call from best friend. her husband disappeared with the outflux of human scum. Wants to meet someone new. She has finally taken some time and thought for herself. Her parents are back together.

    3:00- everyone realizes that it’s better to live egrarian. we all become farmers working, living, laughing and enjoying with each other.

    4:00- moment of laughter for the organism’s soul. See Gigi the cat smile for the first time.

    5:00- eat homegrown, unpesticided vegetables and fruit for dinner. Ask the cow’s forgiveness as I take it’s life to feed my family, carefully saving all the parts of it for later use.

    6:00- have no plan for the rest of the day. can do what ever the hell i please. neighbors come over to visit.

  21. I see only one flaw in your perfect day: Streisand would have been at the Whitehouse insisting that Bill Clinton stay in office, followed by a press conference to express this veiw to the American people. Her following remarks would have something to do with how courageous she is to get up in front of a crowd and that she wants to be left alone…

  22. The Perfect Day, Hmmm:
    Early TV News:
    Biblical Christian repentance and revival are sweeping America. A CBN janitor is speaking the Truth in love because the newscasters are too ashamed to face the nation for their years of sham.
    A strange phenomena is reported: thousands of judges, lawyers, politicians, and law enforcement officers are struck permanently mute instantly upon their first violation of their oath of office today.
    The Clintons go on PBS to denounce this as a right wing conspiracy but are eaten by worms on camera. Gore is hospitalized, in seizures, drooling and muttering about his master being in trouble.
    A massive earthquake rocks N.Y. city, but only the U.N. building slides into the sea.
    Hollywood is swallowed whole in a similar quake.
    Public schools across the nation shut down as teachers renounce their NEA membership as subversive, and expose the N.W.O. plot to dumb down Amercian children for drones.
    Statist lap dog Churches rescind their corporate status, and vow to become the moral watchdog and conscience of civil government once more.
    The Federal Reserve Charter is repealed by Congress and the owners are required to pay restitution for 90 years of thievery, to the people in equal shares in lawful constitutional money.
    Bankers go public that they have been cooking the books for years, creating deposit base for more loans with your loans by switching the credit to the other side of the ledger and back before they credit your account, so they can create 9 times that much credit again, inflating the economy, which is theft.
    The head of the I.R.S goes public, admitting that all receipts have gone to the Federal Reserve and directly offshore to fund the World Communist Movement throught the I.M.F. and the Fund for many years, explaining that if that much “money” were plugged in onshore after creating 2.3Billion in credit to run the Gov today, M1 and M2 would heat up and hyperinflate overnight.
    Millions of government employees resign, vowing to begin earning an honest living.
    The Comprehensive Annual Financial Reports of the several States are made public, and the billions in hidden assets stolen from the people are put up for sale.
    95% of all “federal” lands are made available for homestead.
    The office of the Surgeon General admits the massive coverup of the lung cancer caused by the nuclear tests of the 40’s and 50’s and exposes the Clinton Admin plot to blame it on the tobacco companies.
    The A.M.A. admits it has proven years ago that the breast cancer epidemic is caused by abortions.
    Abortionists who have not repented are deported, as the five remaining congressmen who can still speak, publicly declare that God’s judgment has been on America for the murder of the innocent.
    Rage On!
    Even so, come quickly Lord Jesus.

  23. My idea of a perfect day starts when my husbands boss calls at 6 in the morning to apologize for not paying him a decent wage and then offers to quadruple his salary. His Boss also tells him that this raise is retro-active for the past 5 years. He wants to know if we would like that in a check or direct deposit. He then says to take the week off to rest. My husband then tells me that I can quit my job in sales and that I will never have to work again. I let my daughter sleep in instead of screaming at her to get ready for an entire hour before the bus comes. I take the dog out and he stays in our yard. The dog comes when I call him and we go back in the house where my husband is making everyone french toast. I call the high priced private school and tell them that I will be home schooling my daughter and would they mind refunding my money. They tell my what a wonderful mother I am for staying at home with my child and that if more mothers were like me the world would be a better place. They offer to refund the entire years tuition and ask if I would like a check. I thank them and say that I will take that in cash. I then wake up my daughter who upon hearing all the good news does the dishes and all the laundry without being asked. I call the school district to let them know that I will be home schooling my daughter but they laugh at me. The superintendent calls me a silly bird and says that home schooling is my right and that no-one can do a better job of raising and educating my child than me. He says if I need to borrow any lab equipment to let him know the day before I need it. My boss calls me back and asks me to reconcider, he offers me quadruple my salary, but I say no thanks I would rather be at home. My daughter who is now getting more attention from her parents has stopped arguing and acting sullen. She is actually fun to be with. In the afternoon we stop by the real estate office to look for our dream farm. We are shown several nice places with lots of acreage which are offered at decent prices. The sellers stipulate that the farms cannot be broken up into lots for a development, they just want it to go to a nice family who will continue to farm it. On the way home we stop at the market where their new policy dictates that the organic produce cost the same as the rest of the produce. The big red seedless grapes cost 49cents a lb. down 1.69 from last weeks price 2.18 lb. The tomatoes taste like tomatoes and water mellons taste sweet. We leave the store with six bags of groceries and we only paid thirty five dollars for everything. After supper we turn on the TV only to find that the Clintons have been eaten by worms The people of the Land rise up and demand that Alan Keyes be made President.

  24. Jimmy Buffett emerges from self induced coma to make a triumphant return to Phoenix AZ. Apologizes for the absence which forced many Parrotheads to vent their frustrations by witnessing a New Kids on the Block reunion show and buys everyone a margarita as an act of forgivness. He ends the night with a solo of Cowboy in the Jungle, then leaps into an awaiting bus and leads a caravan to the beaches of Rocky Point for a week long JimmyFest.

  25. I find the “Perfect Day” tragically flawed.

    A perfect day would be when money is abolished,

  26. The perfect day: wake to find the klinton administration a horrible dream and a very back joke. All liberals, communists, socialists are transported to a barren island where they can live in wonderful harmony of peace and love, never to be seen or heard from again. China is back trying to figure out how to get American weapons secrets. Nafta and Gatt is abolished and we can still find stuff “made in America”. Then after all that good stuff, I have another lovely day in my mountains with no tourists, government gestapo, or drop in company. Enjoy cocktail hour looking out at the hills while a big steak sizzles on the grill. Oh, and all the dogs play nice for once. Now that would be a great day.

  27. I really enjoyed The Outrage. When will people ever learn that Bill Clinton and all the politician liars cannot be trusted. How long will people accept our lying governments ways just because they believe the economy is good. I honesly believe that some people would sell their soul for a full belly and material possessions. These things are nice to have but they are not worth turning our heads to pure evil that we tolerate in the Clinton administration. I believe our forefathers would puke their guts out if they could see how the masses have sold their freedom for the almighty dollar. If it is a fact that the majority of Americans have dropped this low, then we deserve everything that is to come. I for one would welcome an uprising among the people to take back the country that I knew as a child. One where there was a large portion of honesty and criminals were shunned by society and not made into celebrities with book sales potential. Homosexuallity and unwed mothers were not normal lifestyles and loyalty to God and country were taught in all schools. Where right was right and wrong was wrong and not called individual expression. We have become a sickening group of people without direction or purpose. How far will we allow slow removal of rights and liberties to go before enough is enough. One nation under God is not just something we think sounds noble. At one time in our history, there was strong meaning to this part of our pledge. Will that time ever consume the masses again, or are we settling in the comfortable easy chair of the “New World Order?” I agree with the lawyers in the ocean, but why stop with only 1500..

  28. A perfect day would be to wake up, the sun is shining but it’s cool–and while reading an establishment-media newspaper over coffee, to find an honest story celebrating the ousting of Clinton, Gore and Janet Reno; and that all members of Congress and the Senate renewed their vow to uphold, defend and protect the Constitution–AND THEN DO IT by repealing every unconstitutional, burdensome, liberty-squashing law in effect, including tax laws.

  29. the prefect day for me would be when Bill and Hillary Clinton would committ suicide on the same day as O.J.’s
    dream team along with teddy
    Kennedy. Then Reno, Albright,
    the director of the CIA would
    join them along with the illustrious farther of the internet Gore.
    Then I would hear that the families of the murder victimsat Littleton had decided to join in a class-
    action lawsuit aginst the ACLU and that they actually
    had won, bankrupting them in
    the process and forcing the head of the ACLU and his top
    lieutenants to all committ
    suicide as well! Because they
    were all found to be skimmimg from their mob clients!

  30. The perfect day is when no one has to wish ever again.

    The woman of my dreams suddenly awakens….

    ……I could go on, but I think you get the idea.

  31. The perfect day starts out with a great cup of coffee. Then a short jaunt to the mailbox for friendly news. A thick manila envelope from the planning commission dominates the inside of my box. OH! They say, you have property that is just right for what we want. The letter says, just pack up everything you own, and move away so we can set up fruit and vegetable stands where your rosebed is. Money? Oh, says they, no, no, you must donate this to us. You are a taxpayer? They ask in astonishment. Well that’s even better, that means you have a job and will make your re-location even easier. We at the planning commission would like to thank you in advance for leaving your lifelong home in good repair so that our funds can be put to better use, such as, Tourist information stops, gift shops, etc. Yes folks, every one needs a perfect day just like this one so they can really get the flavor of elected offical control.

  32. The Perfect Day

    Awaken with my lady love and enjoy croissants, coffee, and fresh juice. Dogs let themselves out and don’t bark.

    Turn on CNN and stare gape jawed as the events of the day unfold.

    AMA admits that the entire ciriculum of medical school has been lifted from the National Plumbing Code. AMA announces a new program of medic interns using ciriculum already in use by military over the world. Announces that 80% of what now occupies most doctors’ time can now be performed by a medic and a nurse. Further, AMA announces policy of ‘tough treatment.’ Patients abusing themselves with overeating, drinking, and smoking will be told so and don’t come back until you straighten yourself out. Doctors are now paid at same rates as plumbers-thousands of doctors are divorced by irate wives, now unable to make BMW payments.

    Jane Fonda returns from France and declares that if nuclear power works for the French, why don’t we give it a try?

    Country rises up and in three months has enough votes to form new Constitutional Convention. All judges will be elected for two years. All financial recovery lawsuits will be decided by a panel of a lay person, a member of that profession, and a retired judge. Either amounts paid to servicemen for lost limbs (now a paltry few thousand) will be brought up to civil suit standards or people suffering burns from self induced coffee spills can get the same treatment they would in the service-run five miles.

    The Convention further decrees that the Federal Budget cannot exceed 10% of the Gross Domestic Product noting that if a 10% tithe is enough for God it will damn well be enough for Congress.

    In an expose, the Washington Times discovers that the Democrat and Republican parties are one and the same. The outcome of elections and the candidates have for years been determined by a bizarrely complex system of betting on all professional sports by Congress itself. Hence, the massive coverage by all networks so Congress can keep up with its real national pasttime all the time. This, in fact, is the reason Los Alamos Labs was created-to keep score of the results of the betting. All Democrats and Republicans resign in disgrace with Libertarians and Taxpayer Parties filling the new ballots.

    The insane practice of training millions of people for the military and then letting them go in four to six years is abandoned. The model of the Swiss and Israeli military is adopted for the US. All Americans are in the service and must re qualify with a fire arm once a year-just like in Switzerland. The presence of millions of peace loving Americans on the streets with automatic weapons virtually eliminates street crime overnight. The different services are dissolved into one-The Military. Interservice rivalry is eliminated. It will now be impossible for the President to unilaterally send troops anywhere as they are all volunteer taxpayers. It will require a vote of everyone who has to go to send troops. All 535 members of Congress and the Senate are immediately called up to rifle companies if troops are sent anywhere. All American troops on foreign soil are recalled.

    Dr. Laura sends Clinton an entire wardrobe of pants without zippers. He resigns in disgrace and joins Hillary in forming the foundation for promoting the ideals in The Wealth of Nations.

    Staggering to the net, I turn to Matt Drudge who reveals that, in fact, there have been are only three total and separate editions of Cosmopolitan and Playboy for the past twenty years. Editors randomly select the same articles from a pool while changing the covers. Which explains all the naked women on the Cosmo covers…

    I turn to World Net Daily and discover that schools have abandoned all organized sports activities, noting that they have nothing whatsoever to do with education. Football teams are replaced with debate teams. Administrators note that the kids would be better off choosing up sides and playing without so much adult interference anyway.

    The NEA admits to being a union. In a final arbitration, it agrees to have no more than one non teaching administrator in any school-like most private schools.

    Karen Elliott, the international editor for the Wall Street Journal calls,and she has been reading my columns and is demanding that I become the lead columnist. She has plans to restore Thinging About Things with yours truly as the Weekly Author. I don’t have to move ot NYC but can e mail them in from Aspen…

    And then, whump, the Shar Pei jumped on my chest and I awoke to find the world we actually inhabit. I reach for the Ibuprofen….

    Dennis Elam

  33. Jeraldo recieves a pauline flash of light revealing the evil of his lies. Instead of mending his ways, Jeraldo dies of grief before he can.
    China tries out it’s nuclear technolgy, but find out it only sterylized and incapasitated Bill,Hillary and AlGore and Janet, poetic justice reigns.
    I jetted out to central park to find Ted Koppel and virtually every other biased news anchor panhandling. It seems that all of them were fired for “being full of crap”.
    Rosey O’donnal is in ICU- it seems she ate dennis Rodman, and OD’d. she is expected to recover, but she has done irreversible dammage to her vocal chords, she will never speak again.
    Ted Turner got an IQ transplant, and realized he was married to a traiterous,vapid ho’. He shipped her back to Hanoi, where she will bag pig dung for export from dawn to dusk for the rest of her life.
    Ted Kenedy resigned in shame and to make up for his life time of deciet and reckless murder, has dedicated himself to destroying the likes of barney Franks and other comunists.
    We decided to sell Holliwood to France, and they failed to see the “as is- non refundable” clause.
    Every nation decided to go democratic, and become Capitolists, even Sadaam Took down a statue of himself to erect one of adam smith, but poetically crushed himself in the process- almost as perfect as when Iatola was ripped to shreds by his own adoring followers.
    Smokers find that they do have a backbone, and throw such viscious shameless fits that they are at least allowed to walk down the street with a cigarette in hand. Smokers only reatsurants become such enormous hits that 3 rabid nonsmokers actually have an anurism.

  34. My idea of a perfect day would be to wake up to the news saying Clinton has been ousted from the oval office and he and Hillary is going to be tried for treason, drug trafficking and money laundering. Oh what a blissful day that would be!

  35. 11 am: Surf a fun beachbreak.

    2pm: Gome home and grub on delicious food and guzzle good beverage. Play some playstation 2 with some heads.

    4pm: Go skate Derby Park or tax hoes.

    6pm: Come home, scarf a fatty buffet, surf if it’s still on fire. (During summer obviously)

    After that: Come home do whatevers.

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