This is the time of year when Americans celebrate Presidents Day which, by happy coincidence, falls on the same weekend as Valentines Day. This seemed like a perfect time to write a Valentine to some of our more recent glorious leaders.
We’re not too good at the mushy stuff, so we asked Nichole, our attractive, Monica-aged, office manager, to write our Valentines:
Dear Mr. Clinton,
Congratulations on beating the rap! I think it’s great, especially around this time of year, that you’ve got plenty of love to go around – it would be really selfish to keep the best part of yourself only for Hillary. Remember that all’s fair in love and war, so if you need to start another war to divert the nation’s attention from your love life, well, just go for it! I’d love for you to meet one of my other heroes – O.J. – you and he have a lot in common.
Dear Mr. Bush,
Happy Valentines Day! Lovers are fickle, so we don’t mind that you betrayed just about every principle you were elected to represent. It’s great that you have two sons who may also become president, so we can continue to guess what, if anything, your family really stands for.
Dear Mr. Reagan,
Who cares if government didn’t really get any smaller while you were the boss? We all loved you anyway. I’d like to find a sugar daddy who would lavish money and gifts on me, the way you did with the Defense Department.
Dear Mr. Carter,
You were probably the most morally sincere post-war president – and look where it got you! It’s really too bad that the virtues of a mid-western preacher don’t prove too effective for a president; you might have been better off spending less time in prayer and more time reading Machiavelli. But the “lust in your heart” thing was very romantic.
Dear Mr. Ford,
I think it’s great that a total mediocrity like yourself could become the most powerful man in the world – and without even going to the trouble of getting elected! And I really respect your wife – one of the pioneers of making self-victimization glamorous. Maybe the two of you could join me for a drink sometime.
Dear Mr. Nixon,
I don’t mean to be well, mean, but I’m kinda glad you aren’t around; I’m not sure what my Valentines card to you would say. It’s hard to imagine writing a love note to a man who wore a coat and tie to go fishing. On the other hand, you were such a great president: betraying Taiwan to establish relations with Communist China, freeing us from the last vestiges of the gold standard, establishing the EPA before environmental fascism really became fashionable, and best of all, those wage and price controls. And people called you a conservative – what a hoot!
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Rumor has it that you were an even greater Casanova than the legend you replaced. I guess that power really is an aphrodisiac; I can’t imagine any other reason why any woman would become involved with a man as disgusting and totally devoid of even the most superficial attractions as yourself.
Dear Mr. Kennedy,
You were the best; rich and good looking, and so unselfish with your charms. Best of all, you had the good sense to die young, so you could join the pantheon of Marilyn, Elvis, and, later, Princess Di. Some people say you were self-centered, conceited, vain, and totally out of touch with reality, but hey, you were a Kennedy – what did they expect? Bill’s trying hard, but he’s just a pale shadow of yourself.
Well, I’m all out of the little heart shaped paper, so I guess I’ll stop now. Plus, I’ve got to get ready – I’ve got an important celebration dinner at the White House tonight. And the Big Kahuna promised me we’d have our own little party afterwards!
WHAT I FIND REALLY OUTRAGING IS A CONGRESS,AND
AN IDIOT NAMED STARR WHO WASTED 13 MONTHS AND MILLIONS
OF TAX DOLLARS ESSENTIALLY FOR NO REASON.
PEOPLE ARE HUNGRY IN THIS COUNTRY FOR GODS SAKE. CONGRESS
WAKE UP!!!!!
The outrage of spending millions of dollars on the salaries of Congress who have no backbone, Who believe that their jobs are far more important than their country’s constitution.
Teddy Roosevelt,Ike and Ron Reagan are the only great POTUS of this century.All the rest were/are a piece of s**t
Clinton & the likes of Carville,flynt, Harkin,Byrd,Schumer,Moynahan,& the Republican sell outs all have a place in Harkins Dung pile.Let history deal with them.I will never vote for a Democrat again.They are without honor.
Congress needs to get it in it’s head we were the people that put them there, and they answer to us.
FDR certainly had a lotta nerve talking about MORALITY! He who gave us the ‘new deal…’screwed the little folks to benefit the big folks! Same as they all do…
Roses are red, violets are blue.
Why didn’t you admit that Monica blew you?
Dimwit, you could have saved us all this expense….
Slick Willy, Slick Willy,
stays hard for each filly, so how does your datebook read?
Non-sex from Monica and sex from Gennifer, and Hillary’s dirty looks to heed.
We can count ourselves honored to have the biggest sleaze of the century as our lying crooked President. “Hail to the Chief” is now “Hail to the Thief.”
Yeah, I’m anon. No point in inviting idiots.
I haven’t heard anyone say this, so I will. Why can’t people
see that this president is a Communist at heart? He thinks
like one and acts like one. If it walks like a duck and talks
like a duck……. For the first time in my life, I’m ashamed
of this country.
I am old enough to recall all of the Valentine presidents
and agree non were without fault. Slick Willie though, is
the only one without a bit of moral decency or regard
for any but himself. He marks a low point in American history. “What
“What goes around, comes around.” GOD SAVE US!!! And
our astute congress pulled his buns from the fire????
This edition of Outrage was
truly senseless.
David Henry
Tulsa
I can’t believe the people who outrage at Ken Starr. He was only doing a dirty job that he was appointed too. He didn’t want this job. Also why don’t people ever talk about all the money and time “seven years” on Iran Contra and “no” convictions. I guess the street only goes one way.
Its the US & the loopholes in the Constitution that lawyers(scum) can find
Mr. Reagan-it just amazes me how everyone thought you were just a wonderful president, All you did was raise our national debt, and did something far worse than Clinton-selling arms to Iraq. Don’t remember. And now you have an airport named after you. Wow what a country.
Dear FDR: Thanks for issuing us all a federal ID number a.k.a. Social Security Number, which was never supposed to be used for an ID, but which might as well be tattooed on all of our wrists, thus branding us all like the vapid federal cattle we really are.
The real crime is the people who support the the commander in slease,are only to willing to give up their freedoms to feel safe,if any one thought we would see justice in all this ,you are not old enough to know what a pack of lies we have been fed since WW2! we are not free ,nor will we ever see justice in these life-time
President Clinton:
I guess you’ve screwed so many of us so many times that we owe you a Valentine’s day note. With every jog to Mc Donnald’s in those obsene short shorts of yours, there’s more and more of you to love. You are the first President in a long time to have the women of now enamored with him, and judging from the group of cows you have preyed on so far, I’d say your sitting pretty with the now hags. We love the way you demean women, then destroy thier lives and reputations, and threaten their children and spouses. It sort of makes up for natures unfairness of the black widow; now we guys have some ballance. I am sure you won’t get to read this valentine, because Jeraldo has no doubt distracted you by wraping himself in pink celephane and speeding over to the place you sublet with his lips in fine puckering form.
Who the hell are we supposed to vote for anyways? Our so called
Republican heros that we elected sold out to save their asses
from a draft dodging, second amendment banishing, lying, wife
cheating, worthless meaning of a man. Maybe they were threatened
like all the people on the list of whom were found dead, who
just so happened to have ties with Clinton.
Dear Mr. Clinton,
I voted for you, knowing your past but assuming you’d have the class to keep it in your shorts while you’re on the job. You fooled me…which isn’t easy, so it’s no wonder you’re doing so well in the polls.
And I’ll bet you a round of golf you do it again. Next time you’re out visiting Chelsea at Stanford, I have a feeling your motorcade will just happen to swing by cheerleader practice, one thing will lead to another…
…but no big deal. We did fine while you and Congress were busy.
You might as well spend the rest of your term putting on a good show of being president. Firm up that lame-ass salute you give the Marine by your helicopter. Other than that, stay the heck out of the way. The rest of us have work to do.
i have read the valentines day comments from the readers of outrage. some of them are quite humorous. but, seriously folks, who are we kidding? like rv said we the people put the congress in by voting for them. (theororetically) then we turn off the mind and go to sleep and assume that they will take care of us and do the right thing. well, folks, wake and smell the coffee. what about all those demonic lobbyists that prey almost 24 hrs a day inside the beltway. they prey upon mine and your congressman with huge sums of federal reserve notes to get things done their way, which by the way is not always the right way. we have legislative aids that actually write and do most of the reading of these monster bills that come up for vote on nearly a daily basis. who hires these aids? usually, big business and again lobby interests. our congressman even admit they don’t read these bills, they rely on hearsay in most cases as to which way they should vote, and then later when the details began to surface on a bill that was passed that has tremendous impact negatively on the voting public, the congressman say “well, i did not know that point was in that bill, they told me it was to fund something worthwhile.” so , our congressman suffer from the same symptoms the rest of america has, attention deficit syndrome. we don’t pay any attention to what the hell is going on up there in wash. d.c. (district of criminals). so basically , i would say we get what we ignore. unfortunately , bill clinton is just a product of our worst nightmares come true. a child from a dysfuctional family, raised on sex, drugs and rock and roll. i am not apologizing for him , however the shoe fits and i must wear it. he is also a reflection of our churches today that say we can’t judge lest we be judged. if our pews weren’t so full of backbiters, idolaters, whoremongers, adulterers, effiminate men, and the likes then, well hey we could stand up and say, that man is wrong , take him out and stone him , summarily. it brings to close to home when we look at bill clinton. when you mix such reverence such as the office of the president has always carried with gutter morals it becomes such a dichotomy, we can’t handle the truth, as jack nicholson said in the movie “a few good men.” the morning after is here, and we are left with last nites hangover. bill clinton is still president elect, and we are still the voting public. fortunately we do have a recourse we couldd take. that is we could start a groundswell movement to remove him from office on a popular level. the constistution does not allow for this, however under the 10 amendment the people are given almost unlimited power. i believe with the aid of the internet, this could be accomplished short time. the traditional excuse we hear from washington about it would take months and months to circulate and accompolish is hogwash. we don’t live in pony express days folks, we have high tech , and we are absolute fools not to employ it. if people would get off the duffs and think for once for them selves instead of letting some marxist socialist congressman think for them, and i mean my congressman and your too, then we could remind that bunch of losers in washington just whom they work for. some where i recall a line about for the people , by the people and of the people. we have strayed about as far from that as we can, and ever hope to get back to the true representative republican form of government our founding fathers originally gave up their families, fortunes and lives for. we at least owe them the decency of honoring their legacies. so, i challenge any and everyone reading this think about , do we today deserve to be called americans and settle for this whitewash and disgraceful turn of events we are witnessing , or do we deserve to be treated just like cattle and herded into the slaughter house?
Dear Mr. Gore, Mr. Bradley, Mr. McCain, Mr. Bush, Mr. Quayle, Mr. Forbes, Mr. Kasich, and anybody else who wants an elected gig in Washington:
I don’t much give a rat’s back end what your personal life is like…until you run of those campaign spots where you’re “enjoying a moment with the family.” It’s a load of crap and you know it…but you’re not above exploiting your family if it means a few more votes.
Run a spot like this and I’ll be pretty sure you’ve been getting around like Austin Powers on Viagra, and I’ll enjoy every media probe and catheter you get.
After reading all these comments all i can ad is AMEN.
Presidente Klinton should be removed from office, by force if necessary. When our miltary men and women are given Dishonorable discharges for committing the same crimes that Klinton did, I think its only fitting that our debaucher in cheif also receive a dishonorable discharge. Oh, excuse me, perhaps I didn’t understand, la presidente already had a dishonorable discharge. Thats what they found on Monica’s dress!
dear richard millhouse nixon – happy valentines day, especially from all the mothers and girl friends who have seen the names of their loved ones so loveingly inscribed by their country on the cold, black marble of the viet nam memorial wall. just wanted to say ‘ thanks a bunch’ for making it possible for over 28,000 names to be added during your piteful tenure as ‘commander in chief.’ the words that stick in my throat are the words that you used so often as you campagined in 1968: ‘ peace with honor.’ please, tell me, where is the honor in the needless listing of 28,000 more names? you traveled the campaign trail saying that you ‘had a plan’ to bring peace with honor, and would tap the breast pocket of your finely taylored suit. as if the ‘plan’ was secretly hidden there, to be revealed upon your election. the big lie: no plan, only prolonged agony untill after the next election. so happy valentines day richard millhouse. a sex scandle in the white house is a shallow well compared to the
carmage you inflected upon our nation. fjw
My, My , aren’t we cynical?! Hasn’t there EVER been a president you liked? None of them are going to be perfect. But, I do think a few have accomplished some good things while in office. Given the differences in people we may disagree about which ones. Of course, I am totally disgusted with Clinton. BUT, I am at least as outraged with the IDIOTS who voted for him, thinking he wouldn’t be exactly what they should HAVE known he was and IS!
What President Clinton was wrong
But what Our House of Rep. and Starr did
was worse. I would imagine that Hillary
will divorce him after he gets out of
office, at least I hope so. The money spent
on this garbage would have fed and housed
many children.
Also, do any of you really believe
that if he would have fessed up and
apologized months ago that the same
thing would not have happened.
I will never vote for another
Republican. This was not about
which party was in control – this was
about our country and our money that
was spent needlessly and for what
Here we go into an election in two
years and this will most likely be
the dirtiest campagain we will ever
witness.
Where is Harry Truman when we need
him?
Dear Mr. Kennedy,
Would you mind materializing in the White House for a few nights, to teach our current leader a thing or two about discretion?
At least you had the good taste to snag Marilyn Monroe (though your wife was a major babe and I’d have been quite happy with her). Our guy Clinton has Sharon Stone come over to visit and nothing happens, but he gets his rocks off with a chubby intern who blabs to all her friends?
Honestly, Jack…fooling around with the help? Even Teddy wouldn’t do that, not even after a week-long bender.
Amazing, truly astonishing is the lack of character we have elected to the office of president. Integrity counts, you can’t lead or be respected as a leader if you can’t stand by your principles, or at least borrow some from the bible. Oh well, as a poll watcher in the last election, I saw the bottom feeders vote for their man, with “special help”. Literacy ought to be a requirement to vote not a welfare check. Disgust is the only thing I have for the last election, and the way that chinese influence money played in that scandal. We got what we deserved – vote next time for a decent man and we will all benefit. Thank you, Jeff Holaday.
We want a tax cut!!! People should have more money and government less.
i`d like to say that the government needs to stop preaching double standards.military people are taught credibility,responsibility,and accountability. civilian life is no different.when either of the two or both screw up they pay a hefty price.what do you get a slap on the hand and a huge trial fee that the tax payers are going to have to suck up.you sir are a hippocrite.PAY YOUR DUES LIKE EVERYONE ELSE HAS TO.BE A MAN NOT A LOW LIFE COWARD
Clintons War Cry:
Hell No I Did Not Go But I Will Send Your Children Into Harms Way. The Words Of A Traitor And Coward.
Dear Hon. Mr. Nixon,
If ever there was a great president it had to have been you. I will be sure and try my best to raise CLEAN and WHOLSOM daughters in the hope that there are other fine men like yourself. Amen.
Sincere regards,
Tim
Let us be thankful we’re not getting as much government as we are paying for.
What amazes me is that people act like THEY choose the president.
Come on folks, don’t you get it? You are given a choice,
a choice between two devils. The devils are chosen for you.
It’s like having a choice between getting a whupping with
a belt or a paddle. Either way you get the whupping. And you daddy
still gets to give it to you. Only with politics, who is the daddy?
Clinton is the worst. He is so arrogant and reckless it is unbelievable. How he can look anyone in the eye is beyond me. He takes absolutely no responsibility for any of this actions. I have no respect for Hillary either. She gets a lot of sympathy because of the circumstances, but she is an enabler. She must have low self esteem to hang around him, either that or she is more power hungry than he is. Pity is not a reason to respect someone. Chelsea has my deepest sympathy.
Speaking of V.P’s, Al,
I love the way you admire the works of such great basketball players as Michael Jackson. It was so cute when you taught us to barbeque with themometer in hand, yelling out 145 degrees! when the temperature of your burgers was right. Thank God we have a Government Nanny such as you to tell us that it is wrong to drive suv’s because we will be safer in a crash against, let’s say some hippie in a yugo. I was so proud of the way that you did a 180 on tabacco. Not long ago you picked it sewed it, plucked it, and carressed it, but now you hate it. I guess someone else is footing the bill for you (no pun intended). I love the way you suck up to your seducer-in cheif. I only wish I was the yellow dog licking his boot instead of you. I also admire the love afair that the press has started with you. What a project. Between Life magazine and 20/20, they might manage to make you seem like you are actually alive. If they pull that one off, there is no limit to what they could spoon feed the American public next. But it will be tough. First they will have to prove that you have a neck. Perhaps if they are merely able to convince people that there is a coherent real life policy that you worry about besides global warming. Like when you greeted those tired firefighters in florida and started giving them moronic data on how much the fire might affect global temperatures. I love how you are always able to worry-wart about the wrong thing in such a way as to prove that you are so unlike any real American that it’s pathetic. I am glad that you have proven your inherant lack of common sence to the point that only barbies ken doll can now relate to you, even though Kens arms move with a little more fluidity.
Hoping Global warming will cause your cicuitry to malfunction, throwing you into a loop that makes more sense than the one you’re in now,
carl