A VALENTINE FOR OUR PRESIDENTS!
This is the time of year when Americans celebrate Presidents Day
which, by happy coincidence, falls on the same weekend as
Valentines Day. This seemed like a perfect time to write a
Valentine to some of our more recent glorious leaders.
We’re not too good at the mushy stuff, so we asked Nichole, our
attractive, Monica-aged, office manager, to write our Valentines:
Dear Mr. Clinton,
Congratulations on beating the rap! I think it’s great,
especially around this time of year, that you’ve got plenty of
love to go around – it would be really selfish to keep the best
part of yourself only for Hillary. Remember that all’s fair in
love and war, so if you need to start another war to divert the
nation’s attention from your love life, well, just go for it! I’d
love for you to meet one of my other heroes – O.J. – you and he
have a lot in common.
Dear Mr. Bush,
Happy Valentines Day! Lovers are fickle, so we don’t mind that
you betrayed just about every principle you were elected to
represent. It’s great that you have two sons who may also become
president, so we can continue to guess what, if anything, your
family really stands for.
Dear Mr. Reagan,
Who cares if government didn’t really get any smaller while you
were the boss? We all loved you anyway. I’d like to find a sugar
daddy who would lavish money and gifts on me, the way you did
with the Defense Department.
Dear Mr. Carter,
You were probably the most morally sincere post-war president –
and look where it got you! It’s really too bad that the virtues
of a mid-western preacher don’t prove too effective for a
president; you might have been better off spending less time in
prayer and more time reading Machiavelli. But the “lust in your
heart” thing was very romantic.
Dear Mr. Ford,
I think it’s great that a total mediocrity like yourself could
become the most powerful man in the world – and without even
going to the trouble of getting elected! And I really respect
your wife – one of the pioneers of making self-victimization
glamorous. Maybe the two of you could join me for a drink
sometime.
Dear Mr. Nixon,
I don’t mean to be well, mean, but I’m kinda glad you aren’t
around; I’m not sure what my Valentines card to you would say.
It’s hard to imagine writing a love note to a man who wore a coat
and tie to go fishing. On the other hand, you were such a great
president: betraying Taiwan to establish relations with Communist
China, freeing us from the last vestiges of the gold standard,
establishing the EPA before environmental fascism really became
fashionable, and best of all, those wage and price controls. And
people called you a conservative – what a hoot!
Dear Mr. Johnson,
Rumor has it that you were an even greater Casanova than the
legend you replaced. I guess that power really is an aphrodisiac;
I can’t imagine any other reason why any woman would become
involved with a man as disgusting and totally devoid of even the
most superficial attractions as yourself.
Dear Mr. Kennedy,
You were the best; rich and good looking, and so unselfish with
your charms. Best of all, you had the good sense to die young, so
you could join the pantheon of Marilyn, Elvis, and, later,
Princess Di. Some people say you were self-centered, conceited,
vain, and totally out of touch with reality, but hey, you were a
Kennedy – what did they expect? Bill’s trying hard, but he’s just
a pale shadow of yourself.
Well, I’m all out of the little heart shaped paper, so I guess
I’ll stop now. Plus, I’ve got to get ready – I’ve got an
important celebration dinner at the White House tonight. And the
Big Kahuna promised me we’d have our own little party
afterwards!
© Copyright 1996-98, The Outrage is produced by Athens New Media. All rights reserved.
