THE PERFECT DAY!
Stupid lawsuits, war in Kosovo, pierced body parts…so much to
be outraged about. But, frankly, we’re a little tired of Outrage;
getting so we’re afraid to read our e-mail or glance at a
newspaper. What we really need is a good day…a nice peaceful
day…the perfect day:
7:00 AM – Woken up by the wafting melody of Sade Adu singing
“Paradise”. Look out the window to realize that, somehow, I’ve
woken up in Buzios, the seaside resort near Rio. Sade asks how
I’m feeling this morning. Just fine, thank-you.
7:15 – (Editor’s Note – this section deleted; this is a family ezine.)
8:00 – Read morning papers (on-line, of course).
Washington Post Headlines:
- Cruise Ship Carrying 1,500 Trial Attorneys Believed Lost At Sea
- Clinton Resigns – Says He’s Tired of Hypocrisy
- Jackson To Seek Quiet Life – Avoid Publicity.
Wall Street Journal:
- Athens New Media, producer of The Outrage, to issue IPO today
after fending off desperate acquisition bids from Time-Warner and
Rupert Murdoch’s News Corporation.- Fidel Castro diagnosed as having world’s most painful form of
cancer; to die slow, agonizing death.- In a remarkable turn of events, J. Peterman to take back
control of his company.
8:30 – Attend National Association of Psychologists Convention.
NAP president announces that, from this point forward,
psychologists will explain human action in terms of individuals
making conscious choices, and will emphasize individual
responsibility. Teenagers who blow away their high-school
classmates will be classified as “evil” rather than “disturbed.”
9:30 – Take some calls:
- Bill Gates calls. Wants to know if he can fly over to help me
configure my new version of Windows 98. I tell him Bill Allen is
already here doing same. - Warren Buffet calls. Would like to give up Berkshire Hathaway so
he can focus all his energies on managing my personal portfolio.
Tell him I have Soros on the other line making the same request.
10:00 – Watch CNNfn story on sudden reversals in media world. For
reasons yet to be explained, Oprah’s viewership has fallen from
3.2 billion to 8 individuals, all believed to be on her
production staff.
10:30 – Take Concorde to Paris for lunch. The new attitude of
Parisians toward Americans is apparent as the waiters apologize
for their broken English and compliment us on our high-school
French. As we leave the restaurant two attractive young women
tell us how grateful they are that America saved their county
from Nazism during World War Two. We accept their thanks on
behalf of our grandfathers.
Check out International Herald-Tribune’s list of current best
sellers:
- “The Greatest Generation”, by Tom Brokaw
- “Pride And Prejudice”, by Jane Austen
- “Bleak House”, by Charles Dickens
- “Atlas Shrugged”, by Ayn Rand
- “Shogun”, by James Clavell
- “The State of Humanity”, by Julian Simon
- “North and South”, by Elizabeth Gaskell
- “A History of the American People”, by Paul Johnson
- “Brave New World”, by Aldous Huxley
- “Animal Farm”, by George Orwell
The Tribune also carried an article expressing befuddlement over
the fact that several of the books on the list were not published
in this century, and that only 3 of the books were published in
the current decade.
The President of the American Booksellers Association tried to
explain the situation by saying “The thirst of the American
public for the classics in particular, and intelligent
entertainment in general, seems to be unquenchable, and gaining
momentum.” On a related topic, he noted that no exercise, diet,
celebrity, or books about sex had recently cracked the top 100
list.
2:00 – As we flew from Paris to London we caught a few of the
afternoon’s headlines:
- No survivor’s from sunken cruise ship – all 1,500 trial lawyers
eaten by sharks. - Athens New Media’s IPO surpasses all expectations. Investors in
eBay express envy as ANM shares close at record high.
3:00 – In London, we attend a Sotheby’s art auction. Dealers
express shock that the latest “masterworks” by modern “artists”
attract no bids. Some disgruntled brokers blame a recent “New
York Times” article which said “It’s time we all realized that
modern art is a bad joke, and has less aesthetic value than the
crayon scribbling of the average 7 year old.”
4:00 – Tea at the Ritz. We run into Prince Charles, who insists
on ennobling us with the title “Duke of Outrage.” Charles takes
us on a quick helicopter tour of our new, and vast, estates. We
refuse his offer of the Crown jewels.
5:00 – Check prices after stock market close. In general, bad
day for the market; decliners beat advancers by 10:1 ratio.
However, all of our stocks hit new highs. Market capitalization
of Athens New Media now equals that of Microsoft.
5:30 – Back to Washington where a crowd is gathering to listen to
senators and congressmen announce their mass bi-partisan
resignation. “We just decided that, more often than not,
Americans are better off deciding how to spend their own money.
Benevolent coercion and social engineering are just bad ideas.”
Medics keep busy attending to fainting spells in crowd.
6:00 – While having cocktails at the Four Seasons we receive
letter from USC cheerleading squad begging for group internship
at The Outrage.
While evaluating cheerleader plea we receive phone call from
Pulitzer Prize Committee, asking if we would accept. Only on the
condition that we don’t have to attend the ceremony, and that the
prize money is paid in gold, we explain.
We’re finishing our champagne when we hear an obese government
contractor on a near-by couch belch, and then loudly comment that
“laissez-faire capitalism is a tool of class exploitation.” God
instantly appears to explain to the amazed fool how wrong he is,
and gives said fool a copy of Henry Hazlitt’s “Economics In One
Lesson”.
7:00 – We drive our perfectly restored Bugatti to the Inn At
Little Washington for dinner. Barbara Striesand makes an
impromptu appearance to provide background music. My dining
companion is a 21 year-old Brazilian model, currently finishing
her Ph.D in philosophy at Oxford. She insists on picking up the
check, but only on one condition…
8:30 – (More ridiculous editorial censorship. Remember, the Inn
is an inn.)
10:00 – Mom calls to tell us that, for the first time ever, she’s
balanced her checkbook herself. We open more champagne.
11:00 – Catch the late news:
- Dan Rather announces that, as far as can be determined, there
was no crime today. - Mass adoption efforts appear to ensure that every child on
earth has enough to eat, and a safe, loving home. - New ABC News/Reuters poll indicates that most admired person in
America is a tie among the 50 million men and women who work hard
in less than glamorous jobs, raise good kids, and never forget
Mom on Mother’s Day. No show business types make the top 10. - Poll of academics indicates interest in moral relativism is
fading fast. A Harvard political science professor is quoted as
saying “Well, you know, when you get right down to it, right is
right, and wrong is wrong. I’m really surprised that it took all
my learned colleagues this long to figure it out.”
12:00 – Fade off to sleep as Veronique and Tyra take turns giving
us relaxing back rub.
Rageback:
Tell us your idea of a perfect day
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