“REUTERS STUDY REVEALS GROWING DANGER OF INFORMATION ADDICTION WORLDWIDE AND A NEW GENERATION OF DATAHOLICS–INFORMATION COULD BECOME THE DRUG OF THE NINETIES.”
The above title is not a joke — it’s the headline of a PR Newswire release about a study just published by Reuters. The study includes a survey of 1,000 people in the U.S., Europe, and Asia in which they were asked about their use, and abuse, of information.
The survey showed half of the respondents “craved” information, and almost half knew someone they would consider “addicted” if information was recognized as a drug.
While some readers have told us they were “addicted” to The Outrage, we always just thought they were trying to flatter us — we had no idea, until now, that they were actually making a medical complaint.
Less sophisticated readers might think that as we enter the “Information Age” large amounts of information are to be expected. Obviously, these readers are not aware of the scope of the problem.
Fifty-four percent of the respondents claimed to get a “high” when they found the information they sought. About half of the parents expressed concern that their children were becoming “information junkies.”
In general of course this is good news for publishers like The Outrage. Once we get readers “hooked” we’ll have you forever, or at least until you begin methadone treatment. We are, however, somewhat concerned as to our mother’s reaction in the event that we are labeled “information pushers”.
As Dr. Kimberly S. Young, assistant professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, commented: “People are craving immediate access to the most up-to-date, current information and then find themselves trapped in enormous information gluts.” Frightening.
We can imagine the chilling conversations Dr. Young and other psychologists and psychiatrists are having with their patients:
Patient: “Doctor, Doctor, I need help. I have an almost insatiable need for…well, I’m almost ashamed to talk about it….”
Doctor: “You can tell me anything. Nothing will get beyond these walls.”
Patient: “Well, I need…information…huge amounts of information…I just can’t seem to get enough.”
Doctor: “Tell me more. When do you feel the cravings most acutely?”
Patient: “I start first thing in the morning. My alarm clock is set for the local news on the radio. Then I turn on the TV to watch Good Morning America…and then…and then….”
Doctor: “Yes, what then?”
Patient: “Then, oh God, I’m so ashamed…I turn on my PC and download The Outrage…” (Patient begins to sob.)
We should have been prepared for this. We used to think that working hard was a good thing, until someone, an ex-girlfriend we believe, informed us that we were “a workaholic.” We used to like an occasional cigarette, until we became wary of addiction to nicotine. We used to think having a cocktail before dinner was a pleasant part of our routine, until one of our more puritan friends informed us that such regularity was probably a sign of impending alcoholism. A throw of the dice seemed like a harmless diversion until our neighbor recommended Gamblers Anonymous. At one time, we thought we were addicted to love, but it turned out to just be an infatuation. As for sex….
Lawyers are, no doubt, hugely excited by the new findings. We can see the headlines now:
OFFICE WORKER CLAIMS INFORMATION ADDICTION – WINS $768 MILLION JUDGEMENT.
The story will probably read something like this:
“In what commentators are hailing as a precedent-setting legal victory, Jane Get-the-Big-Bucks was awarded $768 million after convincing a California jury that her boss forced her to gather excessive amounts of information as part of her job as a researcher.
Jack Sprat, spokesman for the defendant, Short-Term Industries, had the following comment: ‘The jury’s verdict has forced us to come to grips with the tragedy of information overload. We had always thought that the job of a researcher was to gather information. Now we see the error of our ways. We are hoping to lead corporate America back onto the right path by devoting $150 million to the establishment of a special industry-wide task force devoted to examining the full ramifications of this problem.'”
Some publishers, such as our evil twin brothers at the Athens Institute, have already started to deal with the problem by establishing sites such as the Positive Press, which simply ignores all the bad, silly, inane, and outrageous news, thus whittling the world’s information down to a very manageable level. (We also recommend Positive Press as an antidote to rage addiction.)
Here at The Outrage we think nothing short of massive new government programs can prevent the coming nightmare of a generation of information addicts. We propose — and you heard it here first — a Ministry of Information.
Once this new cabinet-level department is established, information pushers will no longer have free reign to push unregulated amounts of information onto vulnerable information consumers. All news and information products will be required to carry the following warning:
“This information may be addictive. Check with your doctor or information consultant before consuming. Pregnant women should, under no circumstances, read The Outrage.”
Government grants should be made available to establish a series of information overload clinics across the country. Children should be required to get regular check-ups at these clinics, to make sure that they’re not consuming excessive amounts of information.
The War Against Drugs pales in importance compared to the War Against Information Overload. Fortunately for America, and the world, the publisher of The Outrage happens to be available to assume leadership in this epic struggle. In fact, stricken with guilt when we contemplate our role as an information pusher, we hereby announce we will, if drafted, accept the historic role of first Secretary of Information in the new Department of Information.
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