THE BRAIN PROBE!
Exciting News! Thanks to recent research at Harvard University’s John F.
Kennedy School of Government and MIT’s Center for Applied Genetic Research, we’re now able to trace the journey of a thought through the mind of a government bureaucrat.
We plan on solving most of the world’s problems by following thoughts as they are processed through the minds of the great thinkers of our times. From this process, we hope to learn the higher wisdom that is only apparent to the truly gifted academics and public servants.
There are, of course, a whole host of issues that we, as members of the great unwashed, fund incomprehensible. For instance, American taxpayers pay billions of dollars to the US government, so it can in turn give billions of dollars to international organizations like the IMF and the World Bank. These international organizations then, in turn, give billions in “foreign aid” to the corrupt leaders of, for instance, the Russian “government”, who immediately send the money to off-shore bank accounts. Sure, it’s easy enough to follow the money trail, but, in our stupendous ignorance, we keep wondering exactly why American taxpayers continue to be willing to “aid” Russian mobsters living the luxe life in Monte Carlo. But Mother Outrage always told us to stick to sports, and leave the thinking to the big people.
If you’ve ever taken the elevator into the depths of a coal mine, you have some feel for the experience of exploring a bureaucrat’s cranium. Initial research on a number of leading bureaucrats has found vast spaces of emptiness, with small bright candles of envy and malice burning in the dusty nooks. Sometimes the chamber goes completely dark, and the probes are left to wonder aimlessly and send back “All is darkness, all is darkness!” messages.
But enough generalities; good research is more fact than theory, so we’ve decided to start our explorations with a simple journey. In today’s case we seek to determine what’s going on in the dark mental halls of the Boston Housing Authority and the Boston City Council. Since the probes were developed in Boston, and we have a very limited probe travel allowance, we thought it made sense to start with a local case.
In May, a tenant of Boston’s subsidized housing, Rachel Marshall, assaulted another tenant, Teresa Cortes. Marshall pushed Cortes up against a wall, injuring her hand, and also allegedly called her some nasty names having to do with the fact that Cortes is Hispanic. (Marshall is white.)
America being America, and Boston being Boston, Marshall was given endless opportunities to be nice and make up. But she didn’t show up for at least one court appearance, and was unwilling to sign a letter affirming her responsibilities as a tenant. After much ado, she was finally evicted. We’re not going to send the probe into Marshall’s brain; remember that the probes were developed, at great expense, to explore the brains of the best and the brightest.
A tenant eviction from subsidized housing is hardly news yet, for some reason, this particular eviction attracted the attention of the famed Boston City Council. (Which, incidentally, Lenin reportedly used as a model for the Politburo.) Marshall appealed to City Council President James Kelly for help, and this is the stage at which the brain probe becomes useful.
Before we get to send the probe inside Kelly’s head, we thought we might inquire as to why federal, state and city governments feel it is necessary to take money from productive people in order to house women who give birth, repeatedly, to illegitimate children. We thought that if you wished to discourage an action, you punished, rather than rewarded, that action. But we didn’t go to Harvard.
Marshall had two illegitimate children. (Where’s the father? Who knows? Who cares? Fathers are so passé.) Earlier this year Marshall’s second child, a baby, was shaken to death. Supposedly the killer was Marshall’s live-in boyfriend. (Was he punished? Who knows? Who cares? Punishment is so passé.) And this is the point at which we launch the brain probe into the head of Boston City Council President James Kelly.
The probe has a patented “reasoning agent” that follows thoughts through the political mind. As the probe enters Kelly’s mind we find vague morass of sentiment, envy, and vanity. His databanks are filled with unconnected, contradictory thoughts about “doing good”, “buying new car for wife”, “renting apartment for mistress”, “public trust”, “pastrami for lunch today?”, “improving public schools”, “finding good private school for son”, etc. Thanks to the miracles of modern technology, the brain probe can follow the exact sequence of thought within any given “thought module”. Here goes:
- Marshall was so criminally irresponsible as to have two illegitimate children which she can’t support, and to allow one of the children to die at the hands of her boyfriend.
Therefore: Marshall is a good person, deserving of sympathy.
- Marshall assaulted another tenant in public housing project.
Therefore: City should pay for an expensive lawyer to defend Marshall, and prevent her eviction.
However, the high-profile attorney failed to prevent Marshall’s eviction. Now we go someplace even murkier – into the minds of the people running the Boston Housing Authority:
- Marshall was given housing at public expense. Marshall assaulted fellow tenant. Marshall did not cooperate in keeping her housing despite many opportunities. Marshall was finally evicted from public housing, and:
THEREFORE: (and even the brain probe was stunned by this one) Marshall should spend a few nights, at taxpayer expense, in one of the city’s most expensive hotels – the four star Eliot Hotel.
At this point the brain probe began sparking and self-destructing, as it sought the logic of putting Marshall up, at a cost of $1,350 for 3 nights, and then $350 for 2 nights at Holiday Inn. ($175 a night for a Holiday Inn? Please.) Not to mention the $50 a day food allowance. Of course, there was a logic, but it was the special kind of logic found only in government.
We didn’t need the brain probe for a dazzling explanation; we’ve got Robin Bavaro, Mayor Thomas Menino’s press secretary. “She’s been penalized for her actions by being evicted. But the mayor doesn’t want to see her left on the street.” Of course, this statement was a job for
the brain probe:
- Fact: The city has decided, through it’s long legal process, that Marshall is not worthy of the city’s basic charity, in the form of
subsidized housing.Therefore: She should be put up at a four-star hotel.
Even James Kelly, Marshall’s champion, could not quite understand the twisted logic of the case: “There is something wrong with the mentality of the Boston Housing Authority, that several hours after they evict her from her apartment, which probably costs much less than the per diem charges at the Eliot, they put her up there Friday, Saturday, and Sunday evening” said Kelly.
However, we think Boston is on to a brilliant strategy. In the future, if someone is convicted of stealing a Chevrolet, the state should give them a Ferrari. Child molesters should be given well-paid jobs as elementary school teachers. Kafka would be proud.
Who knows how far we can take this entertaining policy. Perhaps one day we’ll make a draft dodger Commander-in-Chief – or pay farmers to grow nothing at all – or subsidize legal education to produce even more parasites – or tax people so much that they can’t save for retirement, and call it “social security” – or invade countries we can’t pronounce and call it “defense” – whatever great ideas are on the horizon, rest assured that, with the help of the brain probe, The Outrage will be here as your trusty guide to the better, higher reasoning of the ruling class.
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