November 6, 1997
THE END OF CIVILIZATION!
The Outrage has recently written about invasions of privacy in New York, terrorism in South America, and corruption in Vietnam. But these are all minor outrages compared to the violation of the sanctity of the golf course.
As every golf-playing man and woman knows, golf courses are an oasis of calm in the midst of a turbulent and irrational world. With the notable exception of the language that golfers use to describe their poorer putts, golfing is a civilized game with a long and honorable heritage.
On the golf course one can escape from the normal travails of life, and pretend the world is as tidy as a manicured green. Even the IRS rarely pursues delinquent taxpayers while they golf. When playing golf together, spouses usually make an unusual effort at getting along. Business people playing golf together use the opportunity to discuss something other than when the heck Rodgers is going to clear his account.
Once the game is over players can return to the clubhouse to lie about their scores, criticize the government, and laud the brilliant witticisms of recent DO’s.
If you have the great misfortune of not being a golfer, the comments above should help you relate to the depth of outrage felt by golfers regarding recent events at Glenwood Golf Course, near Richmond, Virginia.
Having sufficiently prepared you for the shock, we can now inform you that there has recently been a spate of robberies and, yes, even shootings of golfers on the Glenwood course.
An attack on a golf course has few equivalents for moral outrage. We can only describe the way a golfer would feel about such incidents by saying it is equivalent to the way a Moslem feels about the bombing of a mosque, or how Paula Jones would feel about an invitation from Bill Clinton for a quiet dinner for two.
Golfers in Glenwood feel the same sort of violation that Ellen DeGeneres would feel if you suggested that sexual inclination was a private matter, or that Deborah Eappen would feel if you suggested that Louise really wasn’t such a bad baby sitter. You get the point.
The sordid details are as follows: Three times in the last month golfers have been robbed while playing the Glenwood course. Not in the parking lot, or the men’s room, but actually ON THE COURSE.
Most recently Mike Dudas and Thomas Knight were innocently putting on the 13th hole when they were approached by two teenagers armed with pistols who demanded the golfers’ wallets. One of the assailants shot Dudas in the calf, even after the victim had surrendered his wallet. Dudas was treated and released from the local hospital.
We all know that golf is an expensive game, and players frequently get fleeced by losing bets to other players. But all indications are that the gunmen were NOT EVEN MEMBERS of Glenwood.
Now, if one player had shot another because the latter refused to make good on a bet — that we could understand. But to walk onto a course, rob a player, and then shoot him is a violation of every known sort of golf etiquette.
Course officials have boosted security, but here at The Outrage we demand stronger measures. A show-of-force should be implemented to preserve one of the last bastions of civilized life. Perhaps the National Guard should be called out to form a cordon of human steel surrounding the course.
If these incidents continue the DO will be forced to come up with a new set of rules governing the interruption of play due to robbery and shootings. We’re currently inclined to rule that if a player is forced to leave the course due to wounds inflicted by non-golf playing third parties, all wagers for that round are null and void.
However, a wounded player who is having a good round is certainly encouraged to finish the round and collect any bets before seeking medical treatment.
(Source: Richmond Times-Dispatch.)
Quote of the Day!
The Great Game also provides an excuse for outrageous bets, loud clothing and riding around in golf carts. Ahhhh — golf.
— Van Hoffman Brothers, “Big Damn Book of Sheer Manliness,” 1997
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