August 22, 1997
A PIECE OF THE ROCK!
Perhaps you’ve heard by now about the lawsuit filed by three citizens of the country of Yemen against NASA. The three men claim to have inherited Mars from their ancestors 3,000 years ago. They charged NASA with trespassing, by landing the Sojourner and Pathfinder explorers on the red planet without their permission.
We were busy writing one of our usual bumbling, senseless tirades against this suit when we fell asleep at our keyboard, utterly exhausted by our rants and raves.
And then, we began to dream. As a result of this dream, accompanied, of course, by post-dream analysis, we realized the error of our ways.
We are now willing to grant these three Yemenis their fair share of Mars. But only if they, and everyone else, acknowledge the fact that the ancestors of Outrage had the original claim to this huge and ripe piece of real estate.
That’s right, Outraged readers–we too want our piece of the action. Having been outraged for years, we’ve come to the realization that we can’t fight all the seemingly endless bogus claims.
We’re taking the sensible path of not fighting, but following this excellent precedent set by our friends in Yemen. Following in the great path of explorers, adventurers, and colonists of centuries past, we’ve decided it’s time to stake our claim.
For the record, and under oath, we now declare that we clearly remember our grandmother pointing to the skies, and saying “Young Outrage, anything you want can be yours if you only dream.” We’re sure, that, in fact, Grandmother Outrage was pointing at Mars.
Unlike the Yemenis, who claim the entire planet, we’re not greedy. We’re willing to share. In fact, we’re willing to settle for the exclusive right to develop all of the factory outlet stores on Mars. We’d also like a modest commission on all the personal injury suits resulting from landing accidents.
Don’t let this opportunity pass you by–join with The Outrage in making sure that you get your fair share of the greatest new opportunity since the development of South Florida.
(Source: ABC News.)
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