The Association of Trial Lawyers of America today announced that its members were collectively filing suit against God.
The suit names God as a defendant in a class-action brought on behalf of the human race. Filed in New York District Court, the suit includes the following allegations:
- That God did, knowingly and willfully, create an imperfect world, thus subjecting the defendants to virtually unlimited pain and suffering.
- That, despite incessant complaints and orders to desist from plaintiffs and their duly authorized representatives, God allowed human suffering to continue up to the time the suit was filed.
Plaintiffs also allege that they have exhausted various potential remedies prior to filing the suit. Attempted remedies have included, but not been limited, to:
- Worship of multiple Gods, also known as pantheism. Regardless of the Gods selected, results were inadequate.
- Sacrifice of both humans and animals. Fun, but only slight amelioration of pain and suffering.
- Trying to replace God with society, also known as Communism. Despite being tried in numerous forms by different countries all over the globe,results were uniformly dismal.
- Ignoring God. In its broadest form this included not only the idea of a deity, but also the idea of any moral standards; any distinction between right and wrong. Tested most vigorously in New York, LA, and Berlin. Plaintiffs found this route very profitable, and generally rewarding. Only resistance came from plaintiffs on verge of death.
- Suing each other. Again, fun and profitable, but essentially a zero-sum game. Once trial lawyers had taken control of most assets the zero-sum
nature of litigation became alarming. In the end they realized that God was playing divide and conquer.
As very few suits have previously been filed on behalf of the entire human race, a number of technical difficulties have surfaced. First of all, there was the pronoun question. Having depositioned a number of priests, ministers, rabbis and other God functionaries, the attorneys concluded that God was most often referred to with a masculine pronoun. (E.g. In ‘his’ name.) However, in a friend-of-the-court brief, Janet Reno argued strongly that, regardless of whether God had properly fulfilled its societal obligations, it would be very wrong to think of God as a male.
The lead attorneys debated at length as to whom should adjudicate such an unusual and precedent setting case; no courts clearly have jurisdiction to try the Supreme Being. The United Nations was considered, as was the US Supreme Court. The UN was ruled out on the grounds that so many of its reigning authorities do not believe that such a thing as God exists, and frown on the idea of suing a non-existent entity. The US Supreme Court was approached, but couldn’t tolerate the idea that some entity, a God for instance, might have powers equal to their own.
After much debate, the attorneys have agreed to have the case tried before a special panel of celebrities, the idea being that God is entitled to a jury of his peers, and, in the age of Oprah, celebrities are as close to deities as human beings get.
Bill Clinton will serve as God’s defense counsel. Having gotten away with every conceivable offense known to man, he thought he might be able to give God a few tips.
Some of the defending attorney’s jury choices:
- Basketball star Michael Jordan. Having obtained demi-God status himself, he’s believed to be sympathetic to the problems of Godhood.
- Bill Gates and Warren Buffet, included in case God needs to borrow money from a juror to help with its defense.
- Madonna; still a God fan, despite a few deviations from her Catholic school upbringing. Also hoping to get one of the key parts in the upcoming
major motion picture. - John Travolta, who believes that anyone who could make a comeback from Saturday Night Fever owes God a big favor.
- Richard Branson, entrepreneur and adventurer extraordinaire. Branson says he doesn’t believe in God, but, given his history of narrowly escaping
death, he really should. An eternal optimist unlikely to convict anyone of anything. - Ted Kennedy. Political history aside, he’s keen to be on the good side of God, what with his brothers all falling by the wayside.
Al Gore will serve as prosecuting attorney. He’s rumored to be especially anxious to question God regarding the six days thing, and whether that rate of production is connected to environmental degradation.
A few of his jury picks:
- Ralph Nader, who knows that God is just the tool of big business.
- Jesse Jackson, upset that his boss sometimes gets better PR than his humble servant.
- Hillary Clinton, panting to grill God about the unfairness of men being physically bigger and stronger than women. Also anxious to be on the opposite of any case in which her husband is involved.
- Shirley Maclean, who, in a previous life, was God. She’s sure the current occupant is not as competent.
- Steve Jobs, still fuming over Microsoft’s triumph over Apple. Convinced that if Gates could win, there couldn’t possibly be a God. Or at least not a benevolent one.
- Fidel Castro. Empowered by his ability to maintain his rule over Cuba, he plans on taunting God.
- Rupert Murdoch. Anxious to put God away before he has to face judgement.
- Barbara Walters. Angry with God for his refusal to be interviewed.
The ATLA is seeking unspecified damages on behalf of mankind, including some special compensation for litigators:
- Acknowledgement that lawyers, not the Jewish race, are the chosen people.
- Modification of the free speech clause in the Bill of Rights to exclude lawyer jokes.
- The exclusion from any jury of anyone who believes OJ is guilty.
- That sympathy ‘especially the mindless, irrational, blubbering kind’ replace faith as organized religion’s highest value.
- That candidates to public office take the ‘No tort reform’ vow.
We’ll keep you updated as the case, scheduled to go to trial in September, progresses. The latest development is that God is seeking to have the case thrown out, on the grounds that the “New York Times”, the earth’s paper of record, declared him ‘dead’ quite some time ago.
Okay, this is truly a SICK essay. How dare you play with the emotions of those true believers in God.
And when you’re done with that, how about putting pants
on tree crotches
You did make that up, right? That’s just silly.
Of course God won’t be able to consult an attorney for advice since none have yet made it to heaven.
i`m sure my god jesus christ. can take care of his childern that break his laws,have fun
I am glad God is in control and none of those you mention in this essay, also glad God has a sense of humor………
ummmm………………………………..every religion that believes in God know’s that all suffering is your own damn fault. Court ajourned.
I do not think I would want to take your place on the day of judgement you might have a hard time explaining this one. Like most people I enjoy satire as much as anyone but you can only go so far before you offend all the people at one point. But you did bring up a point that I have often wondered and that is how on earth do lawyers sleep at night after defending the likes of this kid over the weekend who shot most anyone who was near him. Is there any one out there that could answer that or how does a lawyer go to church on Sunday after getting off a child molestor who molested one of the kids in the church and yes I know about how everyone is as aright to be represented but do they have to try so hard to get them off can’t they just say they were having a bad day so the guy ends up were he belongs behind bars. Maybe some one can tell me what on earth would make a full grown man want to do things to little kids I can’t even think of were his head is at that would make him do something like that and a lot of the time it is there own kid or some one close to them please all you smart people tell me why I want to know and don’t try and blame the parents or the schools or that he was borned that way those will not fly on the day of JUDGEMENT which is very close at hand. If any of you went to church as children and remember some of the things they said would happen right before the end well look around and all you have to do is read the morning paper to see the LORD is about to come for his children are you ready to meet your maker better get that way very quick time is very short!!!!!
Art imitates life. Your satire brings to mind a case I read about some 15-20 years ago where a man filed suit against God in federal court in Los Angeles for some reason I don’t remember. The judge dismissed the case when the plaintiff was unable to serve God with lawsuit within statutory limits.
By the way, Jews are not a “race”. They are a members of a religion as well as being a nation.
God’s jury ought to be comprised of the following
so that it will truly be a jury of his peers: Cain, Ramses II,
Nero, Caligula, Constantine the Great, Nicholas II,
Marquis deSade, Robespierre, Savanarola, Joe Stalin,
Adolph Hitler and Richard Nixon.
“The foolishness of man subverts his way, and his heart rages against the Lord.” -Proverbs 19:3
We need to ask God for forgiveness for the mess we’ve made of things…not blame Him.
And I thought [tongue-in-cheek] that Hillary and Bill would make all of the pain go away.
Shouldn’t we sue them for breech of promise?
In this day and age all I could think is this could happen. People have become so self centered and arrogant enough to actually Sue God.. They Mock God all the time although he has warned them. In the movie Angels in the Outfield the little boy always said
“It could happen” and guess what. It could if things keep going the way they are headed….
It amuses me to see people get all worked up about thier imaginary super-friend. Isn’t it about time we dispensed with superstition as a basis for understnading the World?
God doesn’t need a lawyer – He already knows everything about everybody – besides, God said, “There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end thereof is death”. Hope you find the right way before He comes for you.
Whatever happened to the good Christian moral value of ‘forgiveness’? Obviously these parties should settle out of court, perhaps with God conceding a habitable planet in some other star system over which the lawyers could have sole jurisdiction. They could live happily there, making their own courtroom rules and driving nothing but Bimmers and Volvos, while the rest of us learned to struggle on without constant meaningless litigation.
“Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom”,God invented humor but I wonder if he is laughing at this????
People who think this is an outrage against God-I think it has the exact OPPOSITE effect. This is NOT a negative statement about “God,” it’s a powerfully funny attack on the ridiculous, egotistical, foolish, money-grubbing, hurtful, trial lawyers that are seeking to destroy human society and put us at each others throats. The message here is that God will deal with these lawyer scabs. Wish WE could do something about them. Let’s stop suing each other and fattening their wallets!!!!
Jurors:
George W. Bush, Jr. since he believes that he has been forgiven for past offenses of snorting cocaine, adultery, using his father’s position to make millions, his Daddy buying him into the Texas Guard and out of the draft, using his father’s friends to buy him out of bankruptcy – all because they happened while he was in his forties, he should be a forgiving judge of guilt.
Bob Barr – only other people are guilty when they commit sins. He lied about his ongoing association with the CCC (1990’s version of the KKK), he lied in his deposition for either his 3rd or fourth divorce, he lied about paying for one of his wive’s abortions – he should be open minded about the sins of others. If God is indeed a white male as Mr. Barr has claimed, then he will support a verdict of not guilty. If God should turn out to be a minority or a female, then Mr. Barr will have to find him/her guilty.
All of the GOP candidates for President (with the exception of John McCain and Elizabeth Dole) since they so firmly believe in the commandment that “Thou Shall Not Kill” that they dodged the Vietnam draft. Anyone religious enough to go to those extremes (all of the whiles and schemes used to dodge the draft by the Republicans )to keep from breaking a commandment, should be a worthy judge of character.
Orin Hatch – he firmly believes that adultery is a punishable sin, while marrying your 13 year old niece (as one of your multiple wives) is a religious choice. Beating your 12 year old daughter for refusing to live with her new husband, your brother, is an example of strong family values.
Jim T
Great Essay guys, Funniest of all are the “righteous ones” that wrote back and actually took serious offense to the article, both personally and religiously. I think these people have a serious misconception of Who Made Who.
I just wanted to know whether this was true or not and what source was this article derived from. It sounds outrageous.
How about the whole contingent of liberals in this nation. At the very least get Johnny C. (the varmint that helped OJ get away with murder) as one of the attourneys. The trial could drag on for years, and with the liberals tied up like that, it would give us a chance ot repair the damage that their socialist agenda has done to our constitution.
Interesting, but hardly outrageous.
When the plaintiff can “Serve the Lord”, much less exact reparation (ie., would God pay fines in invisible drachmas?), then shall ye score “outrageous”.
Until then, been there, done that (recall your old on the “Job” training).
It’s the frog in the frying pan senerio…things keep getting hotter and hotter and we keep getting sleepier and sleepier……… God is not laughing. God is not mocked. We will all give an account someday. EVERY knee shall bow, EVERY tongue will confess that Jesus is Lord.God is speaking…just be quiet and listen. and look…and look…and look…
GOD DOESN’T NEED A JURY. HE IS NOT THE ONE WHO IS GUILTY.GOD IS LOVE. PURE LOVE IN HIM THERE IS NO DARKNESS AT ALL. HE LOVES YOU. HE LOVES THE HUMAN RACE. HE IS PATIENT AND KIND…HE GAVE US A BOOK…SO WE COULD KNOW HIM. READ IT! HE’S RIGHT THERE…BUT IT HAS TO BE WITH YOUR WHOLE HEART. NO FOOLIN…JUST PRAY “FATHER, SHOW YOURSELF TO ME” AND HE WILL WHEN YOU SEEK HIM WITH …………..ALL YOUR HEART………….THATS THE KEY….ALL YOUR HEART…
Christians have got to be the
most humorless group of people
on the planet.
Nice slap at Trial Lawyers and Modern Liberalism in general. A (sadly) accurate snapshot of contemporary society. And an excellent, if indirect, illustration that God is, indeed, beyond our petty whims.
Another exclusionary religion foisting it’s views on all. The righteous indignation when we don’t bow to the church of extortion. Then we get to visit a place they’ve created just for us… Gimme a break…
This story isn’t a joke! I’ve read somewhere on the Internet (and I wish I could remember where) about this “trial”.
——————-
Mr Oz, thanks for pointing out THAT bit of truth!
Can the lawyers sue the lawyers, politicians, and idiots at
the same time. Sorry for the redundancy.
I might have respect for God if he created a decent
religion.
why do christian people have such an issue with just about everything on the web these days?! some idiots think they are suing god! who do they expect will pay them???? STOP TRYING TO JAM YOUR RELIGION DOWN MY THROAT! i don’t care! if i did, i would care about this. The only thing i find amusing about this whole thing, it the fact that in our society, we have become so self indulgent and arogant that we are trying to sue god! who next? the pope?
It would appear that the concept of satire is lost on the masses. To all of you out there who are taking this seriously, why don’t you get away from the computer for a while, get some fresh air, and natural light, and walk down to “Scott’s Used Bridge Emporium” (I have some great deals right now.
Humanity likes to absolve itself of responsibility for things
like the Holocaust, Adolf Hitler, and the murder of millions
of each other each decade. It likes to absolve itself of the
responsibility for the destruction of this beautiful little world
that was created for us. Does God Live? I don’t know, I
hope so: but frankly, all those bad things that they are
suing God for, are really the doings of man, not the doings
of God. It should be lawyers suing THE HUMAN RACE.
Does god care? Most assuradely. Does god sadden
when humans do these things. Most assuradely. Our
history has been but a flicker of a moment of promise and
hope. God has high hopes for us. And, yet – putting God
on trial for our own doing is just another indication of how
difficult it is for us to take responsibility for having caused
all that human suffering. His hopes are that we Grow Up.
Thus far we haven’t.
Was this supposed to be a satirical essay? I know some idiots took it seriously. My goodness, people! Use your common sense!
I am indeed outraged (well, just rueful, really) at all the ridiculousness that’s been coming from the so-called Christians in relation to this article. Sheesh. I think the same group of radicals posts this sort of crap all over the web… mostly teenagers with no sense of humor and serious problems with their grammar, spelling, and punctuation–with the exception of exclamation points and question marks, of which they use about a score more than is necessary to get the point across. I do hope that those who’ve read the complaints will not think that the majority of Christians are like that. On the contrary, I have many friends who hold a belief in God, and none of them would in a million years respond in the manner which I’ve witnessed… none would snidely threaten the writers with eternal damnation, none would give chiding advice with arrogantly self-righteous overtones. Shame on those who have. If I were to send “Suing God” to any one of my Christian friends, I am confident that they would laugh their asses off–in a hearty, good-natured manner. My best friend is one example–she has one of the most profound senses of satire I’ve encountered. If only they got online more often, I’m sure the mentally competent religious people would counter the inane rantings of the few lame radicals with honesty and congeniality, not moronic judgments. Unfortunately, most atheists I know–for one, my grandfather–wouldn’t give them a chance to speak their minds anyway. A good number of them are just as judgmental as the many head cases they denounce. I personally am sick of seeing the two sides fight… aren’t there any people on the internet who are willing to rationally and peacefully discuss their beliefs with people who disagree? I’m beginning to seriously doubt it.
Is this a real case or are you just pulling our legs? A jury is suppose to be a jury of your peers. God has no peers. God is the creator of the universe and therefore immune from any sort of suit. God help those who try to exalt themselves above his thrown. Someone else tried that once. Ask him how it turned out. His name is Satan (Formerly Lucifer)
How stupid! Just goes to show you what Clinton and the Washington Idiots have to do with their free time. Sujing God? I don’t think so.
All I have to say is that I was not interested enough to finish reading the essay. The situation was ridiculous. The main point is people trying to sue god. Whether it’s true or not, is not the point. It’s just another example of people complaining, but not taking any action. The result of our world though, comes from everyone’s actions as a whole. Why am I one of the only ones who sees this?
First I thought… the end is truly near. Why? Read in the Old Testament where a prophet did this and what happened? Read it an weep! For same. Many don’t realize the time will be coming when each of these comments/and those who thought this funny to explain… when they keel before the Almighty God.
And for those who are living like there is no God… they’d better be right… but time will show them wrong.
Of course the deity in question will be pleading insanity. Schizophrenic/meglomaniac, with Bipolar tendency. Wont be fit to stand trial.
Put Bill Clinton on the jury as pro-defense. God knows (literally!) Billy has called out His Name thousands of times during (DNA)information dissemination sessions with dozens of his female aids, friends’ wives, and even lowly constituents throughout Willy’s politcal career. If this doesn’t put ’em on a friendly first-name basis, God only knows what does!
I love God dearly, and I am sure that in His very dry sense of humor
is probably laughing as I am. I do not believe this “outrage” is
saying anything negative about God. I think it is absolutely and
with reality describing about our legal system and the crooks..(.uh…”I
mean the judges, lawyers, polititicians, etc….) that run this country.
I think that whoever thought up this suing God thing was just
giving his/her opinion of society with a little bit of levity thrown
in to lighten up the sour taste it leaves in ones mouth!!
run it!
This is a joke, people! It is satire, and a good one at that. I don’t like it when people take a satire as a reason to push their religion on others. I doubt others do either.
Suing God eh!?!?
Cool.
How can sue a dude that gave us weed? The Guy’s a bloody Legend!!
Knowing our luck, God will win: and countersue!!!
They are suing the wrong people or person! Five thousand years ago a homosexual priesthood was founded in Babel.
These were all sworn enemies of the God of the Bible and formed all the religious doctrines still taught in 99% of all religion whether nominal christian or pagan.
All the doctrines the taught menkind then are still taught in almost all churches thus misrepresenting the True God.
In the Bible he assures us that when he gets involved he will chean house, lawyers included.
The price for not”Hallowing his name” is still death, Jehovah will answer them in his own time and in his own way.
As a representative for the plaintiffs, I should also inform you that we are filing suit against Satan for the wrongful imprisonment, detainment, and torture of millions of our fellow lawyers and the clients thereof. We are also adding withholding evidence from the court in the case of the Human Race vs Satan to the charges we are currently bringing against God. The damages in this case defy calculation. We will get back to you later on the status of this suit.
Sue Emalot
Attorney at Law
Am I really talking on the internet? this is the coolest thing ever… you whores should stop talking about stuff and write more interesting stuff like what I am writing…
Hell yea! ‘Bout time this one got settled! Stick it to the man! Uhhh… wait a minute… Bah.
007Bistromath, slinking away into the starry void.
waz up ohhhhhhhhhhhh
the weaver bird built in our house and laid its egg on our only tree we did not want to send it away, we watched the building of the nest and srpevised the egg layinh.
and the weaven returned in the guise of the owner preaching salvation to us that owned the house they say it came from the westwhere the stoems at sae had felled the gulls andthe fishere dried their netys by lantern light it sermon is the divination of ourselves and the our new horizons limit at its nest but we cannot join the prayers and answer of the conmunicants.
we look for new home every day for new altars we strive to re-build the oid shines defiled from the weaver’s excrement.
FROM PATRICK AGILIGA
There is one prominent precedent: the Book of Job. See my newly published book “Putting God on Trial” or visit http://www.bookofjob.org