Do you live in a high-crime area? Are you failing to communicate with your significant other? Perhaps you need to send a message to that lawyer who’s threatening to sue you? Maybe you’re just tired of being outraged and want to do something about it.

For these and many other dilemmas we have the perfect solution: your own nuclear weapons. You’ll never fear burglars again when you have these babies. And the local legal community is sure to get the message when you unveil your very own set of tactical nuclear weapons.

You say it all sounds good, but you don’t know if your local K-Mart is stocking these goodies. Fear not — nukes are increasingly available. Two Lithuanians were just arrested in Miami for trying to sell Russian-made nukes as well as a variety of less-potent but still effective battlefield missiles.

The Lithuanians aren’t the first kids on the block trying to peddle the armaments of the former Soviet Union. The CIA has a nine-page list of those who have been trying to sell nuclear arms and the necessary building blocks. So there are a number of possible vendors.

If you’re interested, make sure that you become an educated consumer. For instance, do you really know whether you need a shoulder-fired anti-aircraft missile or a tactical nuclear weapon? One might be more appropriate for discouraging pesky tax collectors, while the other could be better suited for settling domestic disputes.

The Consumer Protection Agency does not yet provide assistance in the purchase of nuclear weapons, or even in most conventional missiles, so make sure you know what you’re after before you go shopping.

Let the boys at the local gun club know that AK-47s and double-barreled shotguns are for wimps — you’re gonna be carrying the same things that enabled even idiotic world leaders to act like tough guys.

(Source: Miami Herald.)